I'm watching the ego with the frustration and anger I wrote about the other day. It's interesting to explore the range of emotional experience. There's a sense of Renaissance. For the first time, perhaps ever in this life, I feel no guilt for the having such anger. I am trying to manage over correction. The ego is moving away from finding satisfaction with feeding on "being liked" to nourishment through a sense of "being treated with respect". "At all costs" is something for me to observe. If I act on the notion I will then have to account for it. The character Grace from the Lars von Trier films (Dogville, Manderlay) is someone with whom I identify. Thankfully, to a much milder extent!
During silence practice today I could feel the mightiness, the fighter within reaching across and through the web of timelessness. Although the current life situation is not important in the big picture, I sensed this current anger and the way I'm managing it as groundwork for a higher calling where a fighting spirit is for the highest good. Maybe it will be this lifetime, maybe another. And then I let it go...
A person I know who is "on-the-path" had an incident where she got in a yelling match with someone in her neighborhood over her dog relieving itself. It was unsettling for her to have the inner tiger roar. It was the "old her" she said. She did not realize the seed was still there. The best part about it was she did not keep the incident to herself! In leading a group study she brought it up. Revealing her vulnerability, a few tears flowed as she reflected and discussed the experience. Now, as a spiritual teacher had she kept the experience a secret who knows how it would have resolved within her, if ever. I will never forget her courage. Strength is demonstrated when we are honest.
Change is a constant. For once (finally) I am feeling it as
neither positive or negative necessarily but rather the expression of
energy right now.
From the M.C. Yogi song Son of Shiva the lyrics include: "now Shiva's
like this: truth, consciousness & bliss but he's crazy when he's
angry so don't get him pissed". Afterward in the story there is ensuing
chaos, loss and grief but thanks to the gods, it all works out. Here is the link to the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGdRRZCjxhY
So, I turn it over to a force much greater. Relationships are more important than the worldly situation. Perhaps eventually there will be forgiveness all around.
Maybe relationships will mend. Maybe we'll be better off not
reconnecting. What is most important for me though is growth from the experience, reaching beyond old patterns.
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